Week 2 of the NFL season is in the books and we have had an incredibly disappointing start in Chicago. Let’s stack em up 1 through 32 and see where each team lands.

1. New England 2-0
The Tom Brady-less Patriots are 2-0 and Jimmy Garoppolo has looked like the second coming in his absence. Unfortunately, Jimmy went down with an injury and it will be up to 3rd stringer Jacoby Brissett. But that really won’t make a difference, the Pats are too good this year no matter who they have at QB. They host Houston on Thursday Night.

2. Pittsburgh 2-0
The age-defying Steelers are led by the oldest running back in the NFL, DeAngelo Williams and he has been an absolute work-horse for them. Big Ben continues to make plays and their defense is once again solid. Pitt will head to Philly in a battle of 2-0 teams.

3. Denver Broncos 2-0
They haven’t looked great offensively this year, but their defense is arguably the best in the league (Von Miller for MVP?). Last week they held Andrew Luck and the Colts to just 20 points. CJ Anderson has carried the load offensively but will need Trevor Siemian to step up soon. Denver finally hits the road and heads to Cincy to take on Andy Dalton and the Bengals.

4. Houston Texans 2-0
Uhhhhh hey JJ, it really selfish of you to not share wins with any other teams. That’s right, JJ Watt and the Houston Texans are 2-0 to start the young season. While the jury is still out on the $72 million man Brock Osweiler, he certainly hasn’t seemed to earn it. However, the defense and running back Lamar Miller have been everything Bill O’Brien could want and more. Houston travels to New England on Thursday Night.

5. Arizona Cardinals 1-1
The first one loss team is Arizona and I think that’s a “no duh” move. Hell I may have even underrated them (bulletin board material?). They lost a heart-breaker to New England week 1 and absolutely decimated Jameis and company in Week 2. This defense is for real and the offense continues to defy logic as Larry Fitz looks better than ever. Arizona heads north to Ralph Wilson to play the win-less Bills.

6. Carolina Panthers 1-1
Cam and crew are in the same boat as the Cards, heart-breaking Week 1 loss and solid Week 2. The offense is going to put up points, that is a foregone conclusion, Kelvin Benjamin is an absolute stud, his only issue is staying healthy. The defense needs to buckle down after giving up 27 points to Blaine Gabbert and the 49ers. Panthers host Minnesota in a battle of unbeatens.

7. Minnesota Vikings 2-0
On Sunday Night, the Vikings did what very few NFC North teams have done in the past 7 years and that is beat Aaron Rodgers. Bradford looks to be serviceable for now, but that all goes out the window if AP is unable to play after suffering a torn meniscus. Vikes head to Carolina this week.

8. Philadelphia Eagles 2-0
That’s right, I’m going there. Philly at #8. Carson Wentz looked great in back-to-back weeks, yes he did play the Bears and the Browns, but this is a rookie Quarterback coming from the FCS who is shredding professional defenses. Please, oh please Carson, learn to slide, otherwise he’s looked great and committed ZERO TURNOVERS. Eagles with a tough test this week against Pittsburgh.

9. Cincinnati Bengals 1-1
Coming off of a tough loss in tough conditions to a bitter rival is never easy, but expect Dalton and the boys to get after it in Week 3. They need to get the running game going and the defense hasn’t looked great. Fortunately they have an easier defensive assignment against the aforementioned Trevor Siemian and the Broncos this week.

10. Baltimore Ravens 2-0
I don’t care who you play, if you’re 2-0 you’re going to get some respect. Ravens with a comeback win in Cleveland last week and a close win over the pitiful Bills in Week 1. But hey, elite quarterbacks win you games, right? Flacco and the offense have struggled, no doubt about that and the defense has shown vulnerabilities (20 points worth against the Browns), but confidence is a scary thing in sports and 2-0 has to make you feel confident. Ravens head to Jacksonville this week.

11. New York Giants 2-0
The G-Men come in as my lowest rated 2-0 team, partially to knock my NY/NJ friends off their high horse, but also because the Giants really are not good. They beat a baaaaaad Cowboys team with a rookie QB and a baaaaad Saints team who has a baaaaaad defense and the Giants couldn’t even score an offensive touchdown! A win is a win is a win though and somehow, New York has 2. Giants host the Skins.

12. Green Bay Packers 1-1
It was awesome, AWESOME watching them lose that Sunday Night Game to Minnesota. Rodgers and the offense look like they have absolutely no rhythm and cohesion. The defense is looking better than expected but they really aren’t anything special. I can’t get too excited though, because Aaron Rodgers will still find a way to win some games and the North is still wide open. Pack host the Lions.

13. Seattle Seahawks 1-1
I was very tempted to put them lower, but every-time they look down and out, they comeback and win a big game. Right now, they look down, the offense looks absolutely anemic, scoring 15 points in 2 games. The loss to the Rams was nothing short of embarrassing. Russell Wilson is banged up and Doug Baldwin appears to be OK after an MRI on his knee. Seattle hosts San Fran in a must-win or can’t lose?

14. Oakland Raiders 1-1
Jack Del Rio with balls of steel Week 1 going for and converting the 2-pt conversion in New Orleans to win. The team comes back in Week 2 and lose the home opener to the reeling Falcons. Derek Carr has looked fantastic to start the year completing close to 70% of his passes without an INT. The defense will win them games this year. Raiders head to Tennessee.

15. Kansas City Chiefs 1-1
KC follows up their miraculous Week 1 comeback win over San Diego by laying an egg against Houston. The defense looks fine, the offense really misses Jamaal Charles right now. Get him healthy and they will have a potent running back combo with him and Spencer Ware. Chiefs host the Jets.

16. New York Jets 1-1
Gang Green, the team known for their smack talk and subsequent inability to back it up on the field is at it again. The supposed best defense with the supposed best corner in the league have gotten torched for FOUR 50+ yard pass plays in just two games. To put that in perspective, they allowed five total plays of that nature last year. Former Bear Matt Forte (come back!) is carrying the load offensively and has looked fantastic. Jets head to KC.

17. Dallas Cowboys 1-1
For as bad as Dallas looked in Week 1, they looked that good in Week 2. Dak is finding his rhythm in the offense getting a feel for the speed of the NFL. Dez Bryant and Jason Witten need to help out their rookie QB and make some plays. The defense is okay, good enough to get by, especially in the NFC East. Cowboys get a gift this week as they host the Bears on Sunday Night.

18. Atlanta Falcons 1-1
The enigma that is the Atlanta Falcons, lose at home to Tampa Bay, win on the road in Oakland. Because why not. Matty Ice is looking great and statistically the best QB in the league. Not much to say other than that. Defense is eh and the rest of the offense does what it can to give Matt time and space to make plays. Expect another big game from Matty and the boys as they head to New Orleans (worst pass defense) on Monday Night.

19. San Diego Chargers 1-1
Philip Rivers isn’t putting up the passing yards we’re used to, but damn has he been efficient this year. Sans the epic collapse against KC and the Chargers are a top 7 team in the league. The defense is so hit or miss, which will be their biggest downfall this season. The injuries to Keenan Allen and Danny Woodhead (prayers for PFT) obviously don’t help either. Rivers and crew head to Indy to play the Colts in a very winnable game.

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 1-1
The Week 2 loss was bad, no way around it. But you can’t completely forget how great they looked in Week 1. Jameis went from MVP candidate to dud in the matter of 7 days. Maybe this is the Bucs team we will have to get used to? Only time will tell on this one. Tampa Bay hosts the upstart LA Rams.

21. Detroit Lions 1-1
Just days after I bash Stafford and say he will lose you more games than he will win, he goes out and beats the Colts in a shootout. Week 2, he comes back to Earth a bit in a humbling 16-15 loss to Tennessee. The Lions’ offense will win them each game this year, the defense just doesn’t seem to have it. Detroit heads to Green Bay in a pivotal early season NFC North showdown.

22. Tennessee Titans 1-1
I haven’t seen a single play of Titans’ football this year, but based on everything I’ve read and heard they should be a running team. Get the ball on the ground and good things will happen, shorten the game and elongate possessions to keep your defense off the field. Titans host the Raiders.

23. Indianapolis Colts 0-2
Andrew Luck has looked good when the Colts O-Line has given him time to make plays, the problem, the O-Line sucks. Luck has been sacked at the highest rate of his career to start this season, if this continues it is going to be a long year in Indy. Colts host the Chargers.

24. Washington Redskins 0-2
The normally sure handed Cousins has been shaky at best this year, he already has two INTs in the red-zone. Pair that with a defense that can’t stop a nose-bleed and you’ve got big trouble in DC. Skins head to New Jersey to play the Giants.

25. New Orleans Saints 0-2
The Saints defense looks better on paper than it truly is because of how awful the Giants’ offense was (is?). But believe it or not, this is a team that is two plays away from 2-0. That is at least something for Sean Payton to build on. Any game won this year will be because of Breesus. Huge home game against Atlanta on Monday Night.

26. Jacksonville Jaguars 0-2
Everyone’s favorite QB with a reading club Blake Bortles has struggled to start this season. It looked like he was going to lead his team on a late drive to beat Green Bay in Week 1 until the marvelous (sarcasm) play call to throw a screen pass on 4th & 1. Week 2 was a game to forget as the Chargers thrashed the Jags. Jacksonville hosts Baltimore in a must-win.

27. Miami Dolphins 0-2
Is it too soon to call Tannehill a bust? I honestly cannot think of a single week where I was impressed by his numbers or how he played. Arian Foster went down with an injury shortly after refusing to stand for the National Anthem (hmm…) and will be a big question mark moving forward for the Phins. Fortunately, Miami hosts Cleveland this week.

28. Los Angeles Rams 1-1
The jokes continue about how long it has been since the LA Rams have scored a touchdown. Well, it obviously isn’t that big a deal because they’re 1-1. Jared Goff is slowly making his way up the depth chart as the offense flounders under Jeff “.500 Football” Fisher. Rams head to Tampa.

29. San Francisco 1-1
The Niners are not a good football team. According to ESPN, half of their drives this season have failed to yield a single first down. That is by and far worst in the league behind even the putrid Rams. They have shown the ability to put up points despite their inefficient offense averaging 27.5 ppg. They’re already 1-0 in divisional play and a win at Seattle this weekend would be huge.

30. Chicago Bears 0-2
*Sigh* The Bears came into this season with high hopes because of two interesting pieces, John Fox’s previous successes in his 2nd year as a head coach and how incredible weak their schedule was. Now, two weeks into the year, the Bears sit at 0-2 with a bevy of injuries, a miserable secondary and a kicker who can’t hit a 31 yard field goal (Bring back Robbie Gould!). Bears head to Dallas on Sunday Night.

31. Buffalo Bills 0-2
Oh Rex. The Bills are 0-2 and fortunately for him, he didn’t go out and guarantee a Super Bowl this year. I love the guy for his confidence and no fucks given attitude but he is not a good football coach. The defense is miserable and the offense showed some life last week. They will need an all-time performance this week to beat Arizona

32. Cleveland Browns 0-2
Whenever I feel bad about the Bears, I always remember I could be a Browns fan. Poor Cleveland is already on their 3rd string QB and just signed Charlie Whitehurst to back up Cody Kessler. Somewhere, Johnny Manziel is smiling. The Browns just don’t have the ponies to be competitive this year, especially with Kessler being their 5th starting QB in their last 5 games. They play at Miami this week.