This story broke about 7 months ago, that  Phillies pitching prospect, Matt Imhof, had lost his eye in a training accident. Today, Matt shared a post through ESPN describing his journey, and ultimately announcing his retirement. It was a heart wrenching article, one that vividly portrayed his life changing predicament and the journey that lies ahead.

But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. Within an hour of this story breaking I got a text saying how similar this kid looked to me. I’ll let you readers be the judge:

Now Phillies, I know you’re reading this, if you’re looking for a seamless replacement for this poor guy, search no further. Not only do I have the look, but we are both lanky southpaws, and I also boast an extensive baseball resume, see below:

  •  I once batted .980 in Pinto level little league
  • I have reached upwards of 70mph on the Guaranteed Rate Field radar
  • Teams are incredibly concerned with keeping arms fresh nowadays. No need to worry with me, I haven’t pitched an inning since 2008.
  •  I patrol first base AND moonlight as a pitcher for 2 separate 16″ softball teams
  • I’ve never been invited, but I’m positive I could go yabo onto the field from the Sox’s Xfinity Deck. Those kids are low energy if they can’t hit one out of the yard.

I will play for the league minimum, you can just venmo me and I’ll be on a flight over. Thanks for your consideration.