It is high time that Bron Bron take a break from collapsing on the court when the heat is turned up a few degrees and focus on a degree that actually means something in the real world. That’s right, the piece of paper you spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on that is the golden ticket to life in the workforce. LeBron James should head back to college.

If LeBron truly wants the comparisons to Michael Jordan to continue, he will retire during his prime to explore another venture. Jordan’s was professional baseball; LeBron’s can be college. Both players are considered outstanding defenders that make their teammates better and can take over games offensively seemingly at will. Both James and Jordan wore the number 23, only to switch (LeBron to 6 in Miami, Jordan to 45 in his return to Chicago), and return to their original 23 (LeBron in Cleveland, Jordan in the nation’s capital).

If LeBron wants to avoid losing championship after championship to the Warriors in the coming years, he will wise up and hide out in a campus library for the foreseeable future. His social media accounts already resemble those of an angsty millennial, so other than the fact that he is a globally recognized superstar, he would fit right in.

Now that we’re substantially uncomfortable, let’s get down to brass tacks.

LeBron is no stranger to bad press, whether it comes in the form of unfollowing the Cleveland Cavaliers official twitter account last year, *allegedly* sliding in the DMs of Instagram “models” in the past even though he is married, or by setting the Cuyahoga River ablaze for the third time in the Cleveland’s history (previously 1952, 1969) as thousands of Cavs fans tossed his burning jersey aside after The Decision.

Do you know what haters cannot attack someone for? Getting an education. Should he enroll in one of our nation’s prestigious academic institutions, LBJ23’s detractors would be forced to go back back where they came from: under the covers in their mothers’ basements.

So, what are the next steps for the man forever living in Michael Jordan’s shadow? I recommend a one-on-one meeting with former teammate and current step dad/mentor Delonte West within the next week or so. Something seems to be awry in King James’ life after today’s social media activity. He needs some guidance to get his mind back on track. After obtaining his degree in 2-4 years—based on his path of study, of course—LeBron can return to the league, refreshed, as more of a role player.

Whether this role is defensive stopper, mid-range jump shot specialist, supervisor of morale, etc. those formative years will teach LeBron that leading the team in almost every positive statistical category does not lend itself to winning championships. Only then can can LeBron right the ship that is his abysmal NBA Finals record and cement himself only slightly above players like Tracy McGrady, Reggie Miller, Allen Iverson, and Karl Malone in NBA lore.

 

Might I suggest becoming an assistant on newly-minted Ohio State basketball coach Chris Holtmann’s staff? He can’t play forever, and LeBron will need another way to support his family once the game chews him up and spits him back out. If the old college try doesn’t work out, he may as well become a father of four. If he is the most scrutinized athlete to ever grace this earth with three children, surely another one would quell the haters and losers – of which there are many.
LeBron’s press conference after dropping his fifth NBA Finals left us with more questions than answers. I have no clue what thoughts he’s hiding under his collection of Ranger Rick hats, but I can’t be too far off.

 

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