If WWE Stars Were Olympians

As the Summer Olympics in Rio continue, we are treated to a daily dose of athletic magnificence. So much so that during the RAW commercial breaks on Monday, I instantly switched over to the Olympic coverage. During this back and forth I got to thinking about what events our favorite Superstars would compete in. Does your favorite Superstar deserve a medal?

Enzo and Big Cass: Beach Volleyball

The realest dudes in the room would make the perfect duo at Copacabana Beach this summer as they match the build of most of the teams. Each team sports a freakishly tall specimen used for blocking and a shorter and quicker player used to dig out the vicious spikes. From the last few days of competition I also have noticed a large amount of showboating during beach volleyball which is what Enzo and Cass excel at. Lets just hope the competition doesn’t go SAWFT or we could see these two on a the podium giving a spelling lesson.

Dean Ambrose: Fencing

Alright this may be a stretch but hear me out. Thus far my favorite event to watch at Rio has been fencing. It is also the sport most people do not understand in the least. The same can be said for our current champion Dean Ambrose. With a complex set a rules and a defined skill set Ambrose makes for the perfect fencer. Not to mention Dean’s hair always looks like he has been wearing a fencing mask for an hour before each show.

The Big Show: Shot Put

This was probably the most obvious choice given The Big Show’s size. Most Olympic shot putters sport a gargantuan girth and every pound is used to launch each throw. I cannot imagine that The Big Show would be very good as the sport also necessitates a fair amount of balance and technique but his size is a good start.

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Tyler Breeze: Power Walking

When it comes to strutting his stuff no one does it quite like Tyler Breeze. Olympic power walkers essentially strut their stuff at a higher speed. If Tyler did compete in this sport he would be able to showcase his walk to a larger crowd over a longer distance. what could be better than that? lets hope the rules allow selfie sticks.

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Brock Lesnar: Judo

It is rather obvious that Brock Lesnar would do fairly well in the wrestling event at Rio. He was a NCAA champion in college so the skill set is there. His WWE skill set seems to be more favorable for Judo which award points for throwing the opponent. No one in the WWE throws people around like the Beast Incarnate. If Brock competed in Judo, Rio de Janeiro would become Suplex City Bitch.

Michael Cole: Bob Costas

The most irrelevant human beings in their fields, Costas and Cole continually bring nothing to the table while other announcers attempt to keep the broadcast afloat. Costas’ pedantic nature and condescending opinions are easily the worst part of each Olympic season. Michael Cole on the other hand treats us weekly with his Captain Obvious comments while the other two announcers are forced to chime in with personality. If you took both of these men and switched places the Olympics would be the same if not slightly less pretentious but RAW would be forced to take time between matches to let Bob rant about violence in urban neighborhoods and save the Orangutan pleas. Go pound sand Bob Costas.




Nick Anton

The next Paul Heyman if Law School works out.

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