I’ll get this out of the way; I am a Packers fan from the Chicagoland Area. I’m one of those people, and I absolutely deserve the shit I get for my fandom. All I can say to defend myself is that my formative years were spent watching Brett Favre bring the Packers to 2 Super Bowl appearances, and I loved it and never looked back. Also, to be fair, the early 2000’s Bears trotted out quarterbacks such as Cade McNown and Kordell Stewart, so you can sort of understand my apathy towards the franchise. But nonetheless, I am a cheesehead and I do enjoy visiting the urban metropolis of Green Bay, Wisconsin, from time to time. Understandably, many Chicago Bears fans have not been able to attend the religious experience that is game day at Lambeau, so I tried my best to give you an idea of how uniquely Wisconsin these games truly are.
2:30 PM We have unofficially reached northern Wisconsin, as “Jesus Says NO to Porn” and “Adult Superstore” billboards have begun to jockey for position on the highway. Just in case I didn’t have enough evidence; a stray “Hilary For Prison” advertisement is spotted, and “Make America Great Again” stickers line the bumpers of jacked up F-150’s.
3:10 PM We have reached our accommodations for the night in beautiful Appleton, Wisconsin. Every single person in the town is decked out in Packers apparel. Let me remind you, this is a preseason game, and we are still a 45 minute drive from Green Bay.
4:00 PM Our shuttle for Green Bay is about to leave, when a drunk homeless man/motorcycle gang member decides to hop onto the bus and inform us of how wonderful our bus driver is. Nobody bats an eye and we cheer him as he stumbles off into the bar.
5:53 PM There is a uniform of sorts that Packers fans wear at Lambeau. It’s basically some sort of hat made out of cheese, a jersey with permanent pit stains, and 4 pocket cargos. But what I failed to realize, is that the uniform has shoes to match! At least 10 pairs of Air Monarchs have been spotted at the tailgate, or you may know them better as the “Sex Offender 7’s”. I must say, they really pull the whole look together.
6:30 PM The tailgate clears out and we head towards the stadium. We spot a man in a Trent Richardson jersey dancing by himself, and do a double take to make sure this isn’t actually Trent Richardson giving his idea of a tryout to get his Browns roster spot back. It’s not don’t worry.
GAMETIME Oh nice, Eddie Lacy isn’t fat anymore.
Halftime Another reminder that we aren’t in Illinois anymore; some fucked up white people version of the bucket boys comes out and plays while the best quarterback talent from the area overthrows their receivers on 30 yard Hail Mary’s.
9:00 PM An enormous dragon fly lands on the mom in front of us, and instead of smashing it on the pavement like a normal person, she cups it in her hand and names it Bart. I am beginning to question my fandom.
10:12 PM The game ends in a victory for my beloved Pack and we somehow find our way back to the shuttle. I vaguely remember the homeless guy from earlier being our driver on the way home.
For more content, listen to the weekly “Let Me B-Frank Podcast”, with new episodes being released every Wednesday.