An Ode to James Shields

This Fucking Guy!


James “Big Game James” Shields is without a doubt the worst employee at their job today, the only challengers being Robin Ventura, Jerry Reinsdorf, Kenny Williams and Avi Garcia. Maybe Dioner Navarro. And possibly Jimmy Rollins in April and May. Oh and Matt Albers. The 2016 White Sox everybody! No but seriously, James Shields is so incredibly bad at his job. He is like a lifeguard with a small xanax addiction. He would be like an intern who spills coffee all over the CEO’s tie and then follows it up by releasing classified company information on his twitter. I mean this guy is just the worst.

Here is a video  of James Shields handling the trash at a Bar James Shields as a Janitor

And we get 2 more years of it! The incredible part is Shields was brought on a low-expectations replacement for John Danks and Mat Latos, who both stunk, all he was supposed to do was be league average and eat some innings. Instead, he has somehow been worse than both of them. Lets talk some stats


This year hitters against White Sox James Shields are slashing .305/.383/.595 with a .979 OPS. They have hit 29 HR’s,  27 2B’s and knocked in 72 runs. James Shields was traded to the Sox on June 5th, so he has only spent around 2/3 of the year on the CWS. If we extrapolate those stats for a full season we get a cool 43 HR’s, 41 2B’s and 109 RBI’s. For context, here are some comparisons to all those gaudy stats

BA: .305. Good for 11th best in the AL, or basically Fransisco Lindor

OBP: .383. Good for 6th best in the AL, or Dustin Pedroia

SLG: .595. Good for 2nd best in the AL, by a wide margin over the current 2nd place holder Brian Dozier.

OPS: .979: Good for 3rd best in the AL, just behind some Trout guy.

43 HR’s: Tied for the AL lead with Mark Trumbo

109 RBI’s: 4th in the AL, just in front of Mookie Betts

41 2B’s: 3rd in the AL, once again just in front of Mookie Betts.

So basically those hitting against James Shields are some kind of best case scenario combination of all your AL MVP candidates. Imagine a league average pitcher facing the AL All-Stars every game. That is what James Shields has been for the White Sox. Here are his pitching numbers

  • 7.11 ERA
  • 18 Losses
  • 2.6 HR/9
  • 5.5 K/9
  • 4.4 BB/9
  • 11.4 H/9
  • 1.757 WHIP!!
  • 56 ERA+!!!

James Shields is essentially that kid that Berwyn starts every year when they have to face Western Springs in the 12 year old League Little tourney during pool play. You know he is going to get absolutely shelled you just hope he can last like half the game or so and save some arms. You want to know the most incredible part though?

On July 26th, 2016 James Shields threw 7.2 scoreless innings vs. the Chicago Cubs in what was a 3-0 White Sox win. I was there and consider it basically being apart of a real world miracle. The Cubs, baseball’s anointed King, couldn’t even meager a single run vs. James fucking Shields. He also threw an 8 inning CG vs. the Angels, surrendering 1 run, and it wasn’t even a HR. Imagine those disgusting stats without those two outliers mixed in. Incredible. All that being said, I have two sweeping statements to make about James

  1. I still like the trade for James Shields
  2. I still like James Shields

Erik Johnson is trash, and Fernando Tatis Jr. is 17. I lose no sleep over this trade. It was worth the risk and if you get on Rick Hahn’s ass about it piss off, we have bigger problems. And I still like James Shields. I love his “Fuck This I’m still riding my skateboard” mindset about his incredible sucking, and I love that he still comes out every game and gets shelled. You would think he would fake an injury by now. Back in my day I had to pitch a 13 year old travel game on a little league field with big barrel Stealth Comps and I gave up 2 billion dingers before literally requesting the coach not send me out their for the 2nd. Good for you James. Please retire back to San Diego and ride your skateboard and watch the sunset every night, your work here in Chicago is done.


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