Just the other day, I’m in the gym, doing my WOD or other CrossFit bullshit that sounds cool but really means I can’t lift for shit and suck at sports, and this commercial makes its way on TV:

I won’t even try the whole “back in my day” thing since I hardly remember the 90s but it wasn’t even that long ago where if you wanted to play lazer tag, you had to literally get in a car and go to a brick-and-mortar location aka the ADHD Arena. I don’t know how long this system has been out there (major fudge up if it dropped after Christmas) but this is revolutionary stuff. Just like Uber, its disrupting an entire industry and you don’t have to pay $300 if you puke in it, here’s the proof. Countless cab drivers and stoned high school drop outs are now out of a job because Uber/Lazer X.

Here’s the thing though, this lazer tag is just the tip of the ice berg for cool toys made now a days. Here’s a few of my favorite. Warning, the first one is graphic if you’re part of Dude Perfect because your throne has just been usurped:




LOL at the last one but like every kid has a drone now. We did a White Elephant on Christmas and 2 people bought drones. Just like the skies over countries we’re not at war with, they’re everywhere! (LOL again). Point is, technology has vastly and immeasurably improved toys for kids. The thing is, I’m not even that jealous. The one advantage that toys made back in the 80s and 90s had was that they were far more dangerous and therefore fun. Trampolines didn’t use to always look like this:

They used to be super rusty and squeaky and not all the springs were attached. Hell, nets didn’t become universal until not even 5 years ago. Those were the days.

And it wasn’t just trampolines. Nerf guns shot harder, every little gadget and gizmo used glow-in-the-dark lead paint on it, and slingshots were a thing. Slingshots! I very vividly remember shooting small rocks at windows of people’s houses or the train when people would be commuting home. Good laughs, no doubt, but could you imagine if little Dylan, Kody, or Skyler came home with a wrist rocket in his back pack? His mom would need Himalayan pink sniffing salts to wake up out of that anxiety, Prozac, and chardonnay fueled coma.

So they next time you’re younger siblings or cousins drool all over $1000 electronics and ride scooters powered by Tesla batteries, just remember that you’re older and much stronger than them and could break their toys without really trying very hard. Or be a positive influence and show them how much fun starting fire behind 7/11 can be. Don’t be afraid to mold young minds.