Meet 15 year old Boston native, Jason. Or, the name bestowed upon him by the internet, specifically Barstool Sports, as Patrick McGillicuddy. Here are some pictures of Patrick through the years to update you on how his life has gone.
First of all, McGillicuddy couldn’t be a better fake last name for this kid. Just such the perfect name. Picture fat White Goodman at the end of Dodgeball saying McGillicuddy instead of Chuck Norris, it just works. Perfect villain last name right here. Anyway, this kid is the definition of a bastard. If I was doing a case study as to why older people despise millennials, I am going straight to the case of Patrick McGillicuddy. A couple things here.
- Technically speaking, I’ve been alive for 7 titles in my 21 years of life. And yes, if McGillicuddy gets to count Patriots titles in the early 2000s, I get to count Jordan’s Bulls. So I’ve got 3 Bulls titles, 3 Blackhawk Stanley Cups, and a Cubs World Series (I don’t count the Sox World Series since I was raised right). So 7/21 for me against McGillicuddy’s 10/15. Bastard
- The difference between my resume compared to McGillicuddy’s is that even when his teams don’t win it all, they’re right there. The Bulls are a dumpster fire, the Bears are atrocious, The Cubs used to be a disaster, and the Hawks were mediocre in my lifetime prior to the arrival of Kane/Toews. This kid has absolutely no idea what the term “rebuild” means. He’s never had to go through dark days, never had to stand next to his team through thick and thin. Nope, it’s parade or bust for this kid and all of the other Bostonian teenagers running around right now. Again, bastard.
- Here’s the most important thing here. Can you imagine what it’s like to be McGillicuddy’s parents? God bless those two’s souls. This kid has probably never been told no in his entire life. He does not know what that word no means, doesn’t even resonate with him. This kid’s brain is one of the most corrupt brain’s on the planet. He’ll have like a 2.6 GPA with three weeks left in the semester, give some speech to his parents about how Brady came back from down 25, and somehow finish with a 3.7 and make the high Honor Roll. Think about when Mr. and Mrs. McGillicuddy leave Patrick home alone on a Friday night in a couple years while they go out for a nice Italian dinner in the North End. “Don’t you dare have people over Patrick”
*One hour later
Bedlam at the McGillicuddy’s. This kid’s Dad will have to spend upwards of $10,000 dollars on repairs in his basement because McGillicuddy will 100% guilt him in to hosting the New Years Eve party all throughout high school. This kid will have to write an essay on adversity for a college application and it’ll start with “This one time the Patriots lost in the AFC Championship Game” or “The Blackhawks scoring 2 goals in 30 seconds in Game 6 of the Stanley Cup was a traumatic experience for me.” My heart goes out to this kid’s parents.
So whenever the day may seem to be at its darkest, and whenever life may seem to be too hard, just remember that somewhere out there, Patrick McGillicuddy is sitting on his throne. Bastard