Future 1st ballot Hall of Famer Cedric Benson got busted this weekend for drinking and driving and, no hyperbole, crafted the single best, flawless excuse to get out of it. According to the best Chicago RB ever (suck it, Sweetness), he was pulled over by the police for erratic driving. First thought in everyone’s head is “There goes Cedric again, slicing and dicing lanes on a highway like linebackers in the A gap, he hasn’t lost a step” but the police profiled him as a Drunk American and slapped him with a DUI. This morning, Cedric revealed the truth to his arrest: his hard-nose style of running head down in the NFL robbed him of his God-given ability to know his ABCs when asked to recite them by the cops. No word as to whether or not his myriad of concussions stole his power to say the alphabet backwards but at this point, its safe to assume that there was some collateral damage. Pretty scary stuff to know that these concussions aren’t just a myth and that Will Smith was right all along. I wonder if Cedric lost the common sense to not get black out drunk and then get behind the wheel of a car to a bell ringing back in college or if that too was a victim of the No Fun League. Folks are probably saying that it took HUGE nuts to say concussions made him illiterate when he was in fact illiterate BEFORE football but that’s a bunch of crap too. No one could read an option between a missed block by the left guard and a bobbled hand off from Sexy Rexy. Be sure to donate to his legal GoFundMe aka my venmo.

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